Some babies die. During pregnancy. At birth. Shortly afterwards. Or through a late termination of pregnancy. A nightmare. A shock. We often lack words. How can parents cope with an experience like this? What can family members and friends do? Supportive counselling may be beneficial.
Angel Baby, Stillbirth, Miscarriage
When a child dies far too soon. At birth. Shortly before. After only a brief life. Angel baby, stillbirth. These words try to make the unimaginable speakable.
Every person, every family finds their own way through such an experience. Through grief, farewell, disbelief. Phases of weeping and hysteria. Throwing yourself into work, suppression or paralysis. Despair that reaches to the very ground. Nothing can be skipped. Only being there for one another.
Partners often grieve in different ways. At different paces. This can feel as though one person is not grieving at all, or the other is grieving too much. This is normal. Grief often arrives at different times for different people.
“You cannot describe it. The world falls apart. How can it be that a newborn dies. At the beginning of life. It is so unjust. That it happens to you. Incomprehensible.”
Mourning Within the Family
A death must be mourned – in whatever way fits your family and your traditions. Alone. With friends. With siblings, grandparents, other relatives. Even if the pregnancy was not very far along. For as long or as briefly, as large or as small, as feels right.
Talking about it, however much it hurts. Sitting in silence together. Crying together. Laughing together. It is normal for conflicting feelings to alternate. It is normal to feel very alone. It is normal to feel guilty. It is normal for it to take time.
Most families find comfort in memories of the child they have lost. A name. Perhaps a photo. A letter. Perhaps a babygrow that was never worn. Perhaps a tree. A small box of keepsakes or a book – even if it may never be opened again.
“For months I could not bear to see babies. An advertising poster for nappies in a shop and I broke down. And on top of that, the incomprehension of others. I always ruined the mood. Very few people could bear to stay.”
Taking Time – Protected Leave Following Miscarriage and Stillbirth
The loss of a wanted pregnancy can be deeply painful, both physically and emotionally. At the same time, people cope in very different ways and find different things helpful.
From the 13th week of pregnancy onwards, those affected by miscarriage are entitled to maternity protection. The duration of this protection depends on the specific point at which the pregnancy ended. Whether to make use of it is entirely the individual’s own decision – it is a right, not an obligation. Those affected may equally choose to continue working or to take sick leave.
In the case of stillbirth, the statutory protection period is eight weeks. Those affected may return to work on their own request from the third week after birth at the earliest.
Supporting Bereaved Families
If someone in your circle of friends or acquaintances has lost a child, you may want to offer support. It can feel as though the divide is insurmountable. Do not let that put you off. Send a condolence card. Bring chocolate. Take the surviving siblings to the zoo. Invite the parents for a meal. Stay in touch. The right thing to say is not “call me if you need anything” – but rather: “I’ll be in touch again tomorrow / next week.” It is fine to feel helpless. You are there. That is enough. Please feel free to make use of our counselling services.
Talking With Children
Children have their own ways of grieving. They can be deeply sad one moment and absorbed in play the next. They often do not yet understand the concept of “forever.” Older siblings are usually still very young themselves. Children do not need to be shielded from the subject of death. But they do need someone who answers their questions while still providing a sense of security. And they need a few important pieces of information:
- It is not your fault. (The baby did not die because you were jealous, stepped on a crack or shouted too loudly.)
- Death is part of life. But normally people die when they are very, very old. Or when they have a very serious accident or a very serious illness – not a cold like you get every autumn, not a headache like Dad had last night.
- Mummy/Daddy is/are very sad right now. But they will be happy again. And they still love you enormously, immeasurably, infinitely.
Grief After an Abortion
Grief for a lost child can also be intense after an abortion – though it does not have to be. Particularly in the case of later terminations, the child was already present: perhaps it had moved, perhaps it was born naturally, perhaps it had a name, perhaps it was a long-hoped-for child. The feelings of guilt that are part of any grieving process may be especially strong. So too may be the lack of understanding from those around you.
Allow yourself your feelings. The grief. The tears. The anger. Give yourself time. You have lost this child – even if the decision was yours to make.
Who Can Help
It may feel as though no one can help you. And it is true: no one can take your grief away. This child will always be part of your life. Even so, it is often easier not to face every step alone. Midwives are frequently a good point of contact – some offer specialist bereavement support or postnatal exercise classes for those who are grieving. Our pregnancy counselling centres are here for you, offering support individually or as a couple. Online, searching for “Angel Baby“ will lead you to personal accounts and networks of people who have had similar experiences. Psychotherapy, a rehabilitation stay or self-help groups for bereaved parents can also be helpful.
Still have questions?
We are happy to advise you in person. Anonymous and free of charge. Respectful and empowering.