Around ten percent of all couples wait in vain for a child for a long time. Medical support is possible, but brings new uncertainties. Will it work? How long can our relationship withstand this? For others, the question is how to have and raise a child as a single person. All of these topics are something our pregnancy counselling service can help with.
Waiting for a Pregnancy
Even without contraception, it often takes a while for a pregnancy to occur. A pregnancy can only occur on a few days during the menstrual cycle, and waiting times of up to a year are considered normal. In around 10% of all heterosexual couples, however, it does not happen on its own. Doctors recommend medical clarification after about a year. Older couples (over 32) should not wait too long, as fertility treatment is generally more successful at a younger age.
Causes of Involuntary Childlessness
The causes of an absent pregnancy vary. They are distributed equally between both partners. Hormonal factors, blocked fallopian tubes or the absence of sperm may be the cause. General factors such as chronic illness, alcohol, drugs, medication, nutritional deficiency or stress can also prevent pregnancy. Age also plays a role. The probability of becoming pregnant decreases for women from the age of 30. Male fertility declines from the age of 40.
Relationship and Unfulfilled Desire for Children
An unfulfilled desire for children is usually a challenge for the relationship. It can be a burden or bring partners closer together – or both at different times. The constant attention to fertile days can also affect sexuality. Many individuals or couples with an unfulfilled desire for children find counselling or support helpful – for example before or during fertility treatment. At AWO pregnancy counselling centres, a single appointment or longer-term support is available.
“I wouldn’t have thought it would affect me so much. The waiting. Hoping. Dreading. Then the disappointment when my period came after all. And I had nobody to cry to because we hadn’t told anyone.”
Reproductive Medicine
The first ports of call for medical clarification are gynaecologists and urologists. Fertility centres offer various diagnostic and treatment methods. Medical options include hormonal treatments, insemination with one’s own or donor sperm, IVF (in vitro fertilisation) and ICSI (intracytoplasmic sperm injection). All treatments should be explained clearly. The health insurance covers part of the costs if the couple is married and the treatments are medically justified. Some federal states offer additional state subsidies.
Adoptive and Foster Children
Many families with an unfulfilled desire for children ask themselves whether caring for adoptive or foster children might be an option for them. Foster families in particular are urgently needed in many areas – and foster children are also placed with single people and rainbow families. In long-term fostering, a child generally stays with the foster family until adulthood; in adoption, the child becomes the ‘own child’ legally as well. A preliminary conversation with the responsible bodies (Youth Welfare Office, or sometimes associations or welfare organisations) often brings clarity and makes the decision-making process easier.
“I found counselling difficult – I had no interest in that kind of psychological stuff. But it was surprisingly down-to-earth, very focused on our practical problems. I would recommend it to everyone today.”
Living Without Children?
Many couples find it helpful to occasionally think about Plan B even during fertility treatment. How much fertility treatment can we cope with? Are adoptive or foster children an option for us? What would a life without children look like for us? The long-term quality of life of involuntarily childless couples is usually just as good as that of parents or voluntarily childless couples.
Still have questions?
We are happy to advise you in person. Anonymous and free of charge. Respectful and empowering.